In addition to this and this, I will never, ever be that aloof, mysteriously cool girl who can lure unaware victims into my web of secrets. I’m the opposite: way too open, always inappropriate, and perpetually outspoken. I tend to be offended if people are not on my level of friendliness (sidenote: nobody is ever on my level).

In an official summary of comments said to me regarding my sparkling personality during my lifespan, the general opinion is that I am somewhere between too mean and irritatingly in-your-face. In fact, yesterday, someone told me that I am “too bubbly” and I drive her “crazy” with my “over-the-top” personality. I was slightly disheartened for a brief two seconds that this person could possibly dislike me. It’s not easy to hear someone say, “Well, I don’t hate you but you are a lot to handle and actually, yeah, I hate you.” Which, to be fair, is completely true; I can be am ridiculous. I’m usually hyped up on caffeine and bouncing around like that little happy blob on the Zoloft commercials (you know, after the blob takes the anti-depressant). I’m Kanye West and the world is my Taylor Swift. But the world doesn’t always want to be Taylor Swift. (sidenote: Wouldn’t that be a great Taylor Swift song?)

On the other hand, there are people who think I’m excessively mean. And I can be. I use sarcasm to weed out the weak from the witty. My sense of humor is definitely caustic and wry at times but generally, it’s light-hearted, well-meaning, and broad. Practically anything can provoke my annoying, tittering laugh these days.

If I don’t know you, I will force my humor on you, starting with Insults Lite*. This creates problems because people don’t always understand that making fun of them is my way of saying, “Hey, I like you kinda sorta. Wanna be friends?” In fact, sometimes, people start to hate me. Clearly, I am a well-socialized individual.

You’d think as a writer and generally open person, I’d be immune to people’s opinions. But no, I am like a golden retriever. Instead of barking, I run around yelling, “LOVE ME!!!!!!”

Please love me.

*Insults Lite is Phase 1 of getting to know a new person. I will jovially make fun of the acquaintance until I get either a laugh or other positive reaction. Phase 2 is when I tear you down until you are in your most basic, raw form. In Phase 3, I invite you to make fun of me. In Phase 4, I try and entertain you with my many talents. Phase 5? We adopt cats and get married.

Pearl of wisdom for the day: sometimes, people are not going to like you, even though you a magnificent, veritable smorgasbord of all that is good in the universe.

– Daughter